Be your own best friend

I “met myself” and I did NOT like who I met.

After turning 45 at the end of January I realised that ten years ago, I was really struggling mentally and emotionally. I started to think about what I would tell my 35 year old self. At first I felt a bit of shame for some of the things I have done or said to people. But then I started to feel pride in the fact that I have grown and evolved over the years, for the better.

In 2014, I bought a house, I bought a partially converted camper van, and I went to Bali for a month in the summer. I was single. No children. And lost. But I appeared happy on the outside. I had lots of friends, a good job (primary teacher), and without kids I had the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted, but I carried a sadness around with me that I never really spoke much about - I think it maybe showed in other ways.

Being in Bali in summer 2014 was a significant time for me because it’s when I realised that despite escaping every day life for a month, I couldn’t escape from myself. Wishing I could “get away from myself” and all the noise that went on in my head, worrying about how to fit it, how to be liked, how to feel safe in my own skin and how to trust people around me, went on for a number of years. In short, I hated myself and this narrative fed in to so many aspects of my life for which I carry some shame, but I have also learned to nurture those parts of myself. I was spending some time with friends out in Bali, but also some time on my own. We had great fun, but when social anxiety crept in, there were times I wanted to trash my room, scream and shout, but all I could do was crumble and cry.

It was shortly after this trip that I met my good friend Forbes. We met through a mutual friend and Forbes needed somewhere to stay, so he moved in with me for a few months.

“Be your own best friend Pricey”

Forbes had a good way with words, in fact I often looked up to him - literally (he was 6’9”) but also metaphorically. He always seemed so wise, and he always seemed to say the right thing that would often jar me out of a funk. He helped me to start seeing the world differently. “This is not a dress rehearsal Pricey, this is it” he would say. His bluntness is something I came to value, and actually, it empowered me to start taking responsibility for myself, stop blaming others, and not expect someone to swoop in and save me or fix me. If I was complaining about a situation, that he would say: “What are you gonna do about it then?” or if I felt anxious about a social situation: “Just take the heat off yourself and ask other folk questions.” But the one that sticks the most, is “Be your own best friend Pricey.”

I’m glad to say I can still smile at these statements when they pop in to my head.

I often referred to Forbes as my “social guru”. I was always so impressed how well he could read the room and how he would always leave such a positive imprint on the people he spent time with. Everyone loved Forbes. He was charming, kind, wise, adventurous and funny. We had a brotherly/sisterly friendship and I truly loved spending time with him. I never really told him this is what I thought of him though, which I suppose I will always regret. I am sure he must’ve known, but naturally I question this because of what happened.

Sadly, Forbes took his own life in 2016.

This quite literally shook my world. I have no answers to explain his sudden death. Sure, I knew he had some struggles of his own at times. But I was naive to think that these would pass and he could work through them. I was due to meet Forbes on the Tuesday after the weekend that he took his life, but he wasn’t returning my messages or calls. I then received a call from one of his friends to let me know what had happened. I fell to the floor in my classroom. I couldn’t breathe. I have never felt sudden heartache like it.

I later learned that grief is something I had experienced before in some forms, but this time it was in the form of bereavement, with the added complexity that comes with someone taking their life. Confusion. Anger. Despair. Shame. Sadness. Frustration. Guilt. Heartbroken. I occasionally saw light, that at least he was no longer in suffering and I felt proud of him. Proud to have been his friend. A kaleidoscope of emotions every single day. It spiralled me in to some really dark places, which turns out to have had a significant impact on my personal development journey later on.

I also learned that grief is the physiological response to any loss or change. This can be bereavment, but it can also be significant changes in life such as a relationship break up, moving house, a new job… which is why the physical feelings felt familiar to me. Very simply put, during grief/loss/change, the neural pathways in our brain take time to adjust to any sudden changes, which is why our internal world can feel so off kilter with what is going on in the actual world around us.

In the months that followed, I started to feel overflowing with anxiety. Everything that had ever happened in my life came to the forefront like a freight train. I was terrified. I trusted no-one. I questioned everything. Which, for someone with a high tendency for thinking things through, this was a tipping point for me. What I didn’t know was that it was going to eventually lead to positive change for me, even if I had to go through a rough period for a while first.

By this point in 2016, I genuinely didn’t know if I could survive the pain I was experiencing. Many times I also just wanted the suffering to end. I realised though, that while yes I was devastated about the loss of my friend, I had never actually dealt with any of my past, childhood traumas and a significant relationship break up. I suppressed it, ignored it, hoped it would go away… and this period of time was everything coming to a head! I had to take action! I thought making some big changes would do the trick.

So by early 2017, I had quit my career in education (I was a primary teacher and education support officer). I got a job with a children’s charity, I bought another new van, a new mountain bike, I entered mountain bike races and fun events, and started travelling to ride bikes out in the Alps… life was full of fun and adventures.. again!! I busied myself with distractions. But I started to develop significant social anxiety, in bigger groups, and I think it was just a symptom of unprocessed trauma and grief building up (again). It wasn’t until lockdown that living on my own and being faced with lots of time on my hands, feeling lonely etc, I “met myself” and I did NOT like who I met.

I had no choice but to start looking internally for the answers. Thanks to some work with coaches, learning about breathwork, doing some personal development courses, reading books, I started to work more deeply on myself, connecting to my truth. Over a couple of years, I started to develop some compassion for myself and all that I’d been through… and this is when things started to really change for me - on the inside. I started to become my own best friend. And yes it was a bumpy ride, some relationships broke down, while others grew stronger. I learned about being authentic, having healthy boundaries, respecting other people’s boundaries, loving myself, and all this started to have significant impact on my mindset and confidence. I went on to train as a Transformational Life Coach, because I thought, if I can get out of this hole, I want to be able to help others who might find themselves stuck or lost. I realised I didn’t need fixing, because I was never broken. I was just being human, having responses to some traumatic events in my life. But now I know more, I understand more, I can also be more compassionate with myself.

I will be forever grateful for Forbesy’s words of wisdom and I will continue to carry the concept of BEING MY OWN BEST FRIEND through life. I am definitely getting better at this with more self love, acceptance, compassion and grace! I am proud of who I am becoming, curious about how I will evolve.

What would you tell your younger self?

You can read some of my posts with throwback images from 2014 on my Instagram account, in particular what I would tell my 35 year old self here.

Jen x x x

WAYS TO WORK TOGETHER

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